Love It Or Hate It, That's Life

Teeth

2011-07-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've had a continuous headache for several days. Just today I realized I've been clenching my jaw all the time. Also, I think my wisdom teeth actually might be coming in. Good thing because I was beginning to think I was stupid. Haha. So now I have to go to the dentist. Going to the dentist is way at the top of the "Things I Know I Should Do But I Don't Because I Hate Them" list along with cleaning, vacuuming, doing laundry, doing dishes, eating healthy, and exercising. I think maybe I'll just find stronger painkillers.

Because I'm Irritable Today

2011-07-25T15:22:00.000-05:00

Things that annoy me:

- kids screaming for no reason. Screaming is uncalled for unless you see a zombie or are getting murdered.... the latter of which may occur fairly soon

- people who like to make themselves seem more intelligent then they are. This includes: a) using big words incorrectly, and them repeating them incessantly. The smart people are too polite to correct you. b) using crappy things that happen in the world as a forum to express how very, very, tragic things are and then when you try to engage them in an intelligent debate about WHY the crappy things occurred, all they can say is, "it's sad people died."

- forgetting to take my crazy pills for several days, so I get all uppity and cranky

- "big business" - I found out recently that some guy found a homeopathic cure for cancer (diluted mistletoe) that actually cured a woman's terminal breast cancer, but the study was quashed by government and pharmaceutical companies (see: http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=15514344 for a brief overview of the study. Also, http://www.cancure.org/iscador_mistletoe.htm, and http://www.drceaser.com/therapies/mistletoe-therapy-cancer for more info). Also, alternative fuel sources have been available for decades, but oil companies make too much money and too many "donations" to political parties and so we're still stuck with oil.

- mosquitoes. Really, dragonflies, birds, and fish have lots of other things to eat. Are mosquitoes really necessary?

Random thoughts that pop in my head...

2011-03-22T21:55:00.003-05:00

I'm going to type things as they come into my head:

I'm really bored I need to go to bed fred dead wed bed clang clang clang goes the trolly molly ringwold my bun's cuter than your bun, my bun's cuter than yours, my buns cuter and my buns smarter than my buns cuter than yours life is a a highway I wanna ride it all night long I got in trouble in grade 6 for passing a note that said "life is a skyway" when we were doing a unit on the future I think we were talking about what life would be like in 2001 and the textbook from 1958 said that everyone would travel by skyways ha not so much blank blank blank my foot is itchy itchy is a weird word itchyitchyitchy the letters shouldn't go together but they do that's like when i make up words playing word scrambles as long as vowels are in the proper places anything could be a word anything is a word haha oh my god this is stupid i quit

Need to vent

2011-03-01T20:59:00.002-06:00

So here's my rant. If anyone ever wants to know what's wrong with me, or why I'm upset, this is probably the reason. Because everything else in my life is great, but being unwanted is so hurtful and painful that it's hard to focus on the good things sometimes. I'm in a frickin' pity-party mood tonight, so just stop reading now if you don't want to hear me complain about shit, because that's all I'm gonna' do. For real. I don't want your pity, I just want to get this off my chest.

29 years old. Broke all the time somehow, even though I make good money. At the beginning of every month, I get upset because my entire paycheque goes to rent and bills. I realize I'm not the only person in this boat, and it could be much worse, but money's not my main problem. Rent/bill day just gets me thinking about how much more money I would have if I lived with someone. Then I think, I love living alone, but it gets awful lonely when you hang out by yourself all the time. I'm too frickin' exhausted to go out, too. I get sick of being alone all the time. It would be nice to have someone to talk to in the evening, or just have someone to sit and watch TV with. It would be great to have someone to go to bed with, but apparently, I'm not good enough for anyone to date.

I've never been a skinny girl, or a pretty girl, and I can be shy until I get to know someone. Yeah, maybe I come off as a bitch sometimes. I try not to, but I guess that's just how I am. There's gotta be SOMEONE out there who would be willing to date me, but I'm starting to give up hope. I know that I can't meet people sitting at home, and I've tried to go out and meet people. I've joined stupid clubs and courses, met new people, blah, blah, blah. I've gone online. I've done all the stupid things single people are supposed to do to meet new people. I've put myself out there and tried to talk to guys, but I get blown off, or told that I'm too fat, get called ugly, etc. Well that does a hell of a lot for my self-esteem. I try telling myself "you wouldn't want to know someone who treats people like that anyway", and that's absolutely true, but where are all the good guys? Oh, yeah, they're either married, gay, or just not interested.

I go to bars, and out to shows and watch all of my friends get hit on, but does anyone ever hit on me? No. I'm just every guy's "buddy" and it fucking sucks. I'm sick of this shit. No one has ever offered to buy me a drink. No one has ever come up to me and started chatting (unless they were asking if one of my friends is single). No wonder I come down on myself.

"Oh, Pam, you're so nice, you're awesome....blah blah blah" If I'm so fucking great, then how come I can't find someone? I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If I could just become a recluse and live in a shack in the woods and never talk to anyone again, I'd be okay with that, because I wouldn't ever SEE anyone, and think "Oh, that guy looks nice", or "Look at that happy couple. Why can't I have that?"

But life's not like that and all I see are people in relationships everywhere I look. "Oh, Pam, how's your love life? Are you seeing anyone?" No, fuck! I'm not. "Oh, well why not?" Because nobody wants to fucking date me, that's why! "Why not?" Well, if I knew why the fuck not, I would fucking change it wouldn't I? But no, all I hear is how great I am (thank you by the way. I'd hate to see where I'd be without someone in my corner every once in a while. Probably dead). I appreciate my friends and family thinking and saying that, but it doesn't help me fix whatever is wrong with me; whatever makes me so "un-datable".

So, to everyone who likes me for who I am, thanks. I kinda' like me, too. But it would be really nice to find someone who loves me and is willing to spend their time and energy on me, because sometimes feeling unwanted sucks. And that's how I feel lately. So I guess I'm just gonna have to deal and get over it, because it doesn't look like things are going to change anytime soon. Blah. Crap. Balls.

If you judge us for how we look, that's ok, because we don't want to know you anyway.

2010-08-28T13:23:00.002-05:00

This past week has been hell. Martin was an amazing guy who was taken far too soon. If you were walking the streets of Winnipeg Thursday or Friday, you may have noticed the lack of what some would call "freaks"; the tattooed, pierced, punk rockers who regularly add colour and uniqueness to Winnipeg's streets. For two days we gathered to mourn for Martin and celebrate his life.

Martin was one of those people who, as Phil put it so eloquently, "just didn't realize how he looked". The head and neck tattoos, and in earlier years, the enormous blonde mohawk, may have frightened many people. Unfortunately for the people who chose to judge him, they never got to know one of the most amazing, eclectic, intelligent, and caring human beings who have ever graced this earth.

As the chaplain said at the funeral, he regrets not meeting Martin because he seemed so "real". And that's what draws all the punks, skins, goths, and other "freaks" together. We're real. We tell it like it is. We don't pretend we're someone we're not just to make people like us. We are who we are and we won't apologize for it. And you'll never meet a more accepting, caring group of people either. That was proven this week.

Within hours of hearing of Martin's death, we all pulled together to pull off one of the most amazing shows the Albert has ever seen, in order to raise funds for the costs associated with Martin's passing. Everyone played an important role, whether you organized and put together the show (thank you to Nathan Terin for his amazing ability to make that happen and The Albert for donating the space), or you worked your ass off to gather prizes for the silent auction (Lindsey & Graeme), donated items (pretty much every business in Osborne, the MB Moose, Curve 94.3, The Wpg Free Press, Soul Survivors, The Yellowdog, and many, many more), or just showed up and donated your hard earned cash, you all had a hand in raising over $6700 for Martin and his family.

One newspaper review stated that one of our favourite pubs (The Yellowdog), caters to "questionable locals". Well, look at what those "questionable locals" managed to accomplish in four days in order to help "one of our own".

Some people ask me why I hang out with "those kind of people". "You're a teacher!" they say, as if that means I should look a certain way. Well, here's my answer to that: a few years ago, I had a severe identity crisis. I thought I should be someone I'm not because I had to uphold the classic "teacher image". Not only did that cause me to lose one of my best friends, it also threw me into a severe depression. I thought, "I can't hang out with those people, I have an image to uphold". So I stopped talking to a lot of people. I stopped going to shows. I tried to make new friends who weren't so "different". People society regards as "accepatble" and "normal". I couldn't do it. I just didn't fit in. I couldn't be my foul-mouthed, lack-of-brain-to-mouth-filter self. So for these people, I put up a "respectable" front. But I couldn't hide who I was forever, and they didn't seem to like who I was. So I reached out to my "old friends" and went to a show at the Cavern. I was really nervous that I wouldn't be "accepeted back". However, I ran into Michelle and Martin, and they welcomed me with open arms. I had an awesome night! And I could be myself without fear of non-acceptance. I started to hang out with Michelle and Martin regularly. They brought me back "into the loop". We went to shows. We went for food (on a side note, I'm a picky eater and going out with Michelle and Martin to eat was always an adventure). Michelle invited me to BBQ's at her place. I started to feel a whole lot better. I could be myself. I was welcome. I owe my sanity (albeit questionable), and quite possibly my life to those two. At that point, I was ready to throw in the towel and give up on the land of the living. They brought me back and welcomed me into the fold with open arms. Although I didn't hang out with Martin much in the last few years of his life, I will be forever grateful to him that he helped to save mine. He showed me that I could be myself and be loved for it.

And this too, is what draws us altogether. We accept without question. Whether you have tattoos, piercings, insanely stretched out ears, and a funky haircut; wear Freds, boots and braces; or , like me, have been known on occasion to look like a "bar star" and be kinda preppy (thanks Meaghan), you are welcome. Just be yourself. I have never witnessed or heard of another community of people who expect you to be yourself, whoever that may be. They can spot someone "putting up a front" from a mile away and will try to break that front down, so YOU can get to the true root of who you are.

I have learned this from "those people", and I think, being a teacher, that attitude is one of the most important things you can pass on. Be yourself. If people don't like you for it, they're not worth knowing anyway.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - Dr. Seuss

Thank you Martin, and everyone in our little community, for helping me see the truth, and for not being afraid to be yourself. This is what Martin's life was about, and we can all carry on knowing that, by being true to ourselves, we will always be honouring Martin's memory.

Ugh. Money. The root of all evil.

2010-08-04T22:37:00.002-05:00

So, today I decided I need to get a part-time job. It sucks though, because I just want something fairly easy that I know I'm good at. I worked retail and customer service for, like, 10 years, so I figured why not look there? Good for me. The problem is, I have two degrees (Bachelors of Education and Arts), and a permanent full-time teaching job, so I get to explain to prospective employers why I need a part-time job.

Should I tell them that I claimed bankruptcy (no), or mention that I spend all my free time doing free services for everyone I know, such as cab driver, tech support, psychology, marriage counseling, conflict mediation, bouncer, etc, etc? Or I could tell them that I maxed out my credit card lending other people money and buying things for them and I never ask for anything back. I like giving gifts, but I seem to have this mental block that tells me I need to spend a good $50-$100 + on people's birthday & Christmas presents.

The moral of the story is that I get to go look for a job that I'm way overqualified for, and work part-time when I barely have time to do well at my full-time job. Thank god I have 3 weeks left of "vacation". Well, 1 1/2 really, because I really need to get working on planning and organizing for next year. Boo to rent, bills, and having to eat.

Friends don't let friends blah, blah blah

2010-08-02T14:59:00.002-05:00

Fairweather friends suck. We all have them; those people who are constantly coming to us in crisis and then suddenly disappear when the crisis is over. Like, "Oh no! My boyfriend/girlfriend is a douche-bag! Wah wah boo-hoo!" Then, like a sucker, you're there consoling them and trying to make them feel better. You get totally wrapped up in their drama.

Then, all of a sudden, POOF! The drama is over, they go back to their happy little lives and you're left feeling totally used. Your texts of "Hey, wanna hang out later" are returned with "No, sorry, taking the bf/gf out on a romantic date because it turns out that I can overlook their douchebaggery and pretend nothing happened"!

Well, unfortunately, I CAN'T pretend nothing happened and now I'm left in an awkward situation.

The point is, don't forget your friends when you're in a good place. They might not be there to pick you up the next time you fall, or call the wah-wah-wambulance for you.

The Internet doesn't forget!

2010-08-02T14:41:00.002-05:00

The plan was to clean my house today. So far, I've managed to sign up for Twitter and re-discovered this blog I haven't used in over a year! Cleaning day has now become blogging day. Man I hate cleaning...

Gradually returning to life

2009-03-24T17:02:00.002-05:00

So, after being sick and crappy for, oh, 5 months at least, I'm starting to feel better. I almost want to leave the house again! Here's my top 10 list of things I'm looking forward to:

1) A BBQ
2) Getting outrageously angry at something
3) Getting a massage
4) Eating at a restaurant
5) Going to a pub
6) Going to a movie
7) Having enough energy to stay awake for longer than 2 hours at a time
8) Starting yoga
9) Reconnecting with friends
10) Getting laid.

Hermits don't live, they just exist.

Ode de la Life

2008-11-20T18:26:00.003-06:00

Twas the day before Friday and all through the class,
There was kicking and screaming of "I'll kick your ass!"

Some children were still settled snug in their desks,
Gallantly trying to finish their tests

With Joey on the left and Chris to the right,
The teacher was ready to break up the fight

While out in the hall there arose such a clatter
the children ran to see what was the matter

Away to recess they flew like a flash
To see the two boys' kicking each others ass

They rolled and they punched through the new fallen snow,
the blood glistning like rubies on the ground just below

When what to their frightened eyes should appear,
But a pissed off teacher, her face in a sneer,

More rapid than eagles, they split as she came
She bellowed and shouted and called them by name

"Off Joey! Off Chris! Get off of each other!"
"We're going inside to make a call to your mother!"

To the office, to the phone, she made the call,
Both mothers replied "He got in a fight. Is that all?"

And both the children, when they heard that reply,
Turned to each other, their smiles quite sly.

The teacher was hanging on by thread
In hopes that the day would soon come to an end.

Back to her class, to the yelling and fooling,
She took a minute to get her heels cooling.

As she drew in a breath, and was turning around,
She swore she could hear the most delightful sound,

"Classes are canceled for the rest of the day!"
All the teachers and students stood up and yelled "Hooray!"

But, alas, this great dream was not to be so,
Her mind had quite snapped (rightfully though)

She trudged to her class and walked out of sight,
"Tonight is is going to be a bottle of wine night!"

Stupid Winter, Stupid People

2008-11-07T20:34:00.003-06:00

First off, I didn't believe it was possible, but as soon as the snow fell yesterday, I went into mega-hibernation mode. I made my favourite winter comfort food (spicy chicken in cream of mushroom soup with rice) and went to bed at 9:30. I am an 87 year old woman living in a 27 year old's body.

Secondly, the first snowstorm of the year usually means everyone forgets how to drive. You would think that after living in a city that gets snow 9 months out of the year, most people would be able to switch their winter driving skills back on. But no. Granted it was slippery from the freezing rain, but you would think that people would have learned that trying to take a corner at 60 km/h is not a good idea. But alas, I was still nearly sideswiped TWICE by stupid people who conveniently forgot how to drive over the "summer". I think that there should be a section in driver's tests that that you must pass in order to get your license called "straightening out of a fishtail".

I suck at blogging

2008-11-05T17:55:00.002-06:00

Wow. Apparently I have nothing to say...ever...

No, that's a blatant lie. I have lots to say, soooooo....

So last night I'm walking my dog, and I start to get the feeling I'm in some horror movie. I started to hear an air-raid siren (no idea where it was coming from) and I smelled some weird sweetish yet burning-the-throat scent as I walked down the street. I either a) had a stroke, b) am totally ready to be committed, or c) watch too many horror movies. I started having visions of some lethal gas blowing through the city turning everyone into zombies. My dog is old and walks slow, and a part of me knew that idea was totally insane, but I still started taking a mental inventory of everything I had learned by reading a zombie survival guide. Then I realized that it's pretty sad to know that if the world was plagued by zombies, I would be absolutely: a) prepared, and b) okay with that. Does that make me a sociopath?

Moral Fibre

2008-10-12T16:15:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get sick of always taking the high road. My mom always criticizes me for being "such a martyr". I don't blame her. When do I get to take what I want? Sometimes I feel so weak because I can no longer express my desires without feeling like I'm being selfish, which is stupid. It's not like I'm eating steak in front of starving children!

Then there are the people who take whatever they want, whenever they want it, and they don't care who's toes they step on. At least I have a sense of compassion and empathy (admittedly too much sometimes, which causes me to lose out on the things I really want). These people really piss me off. I mean, good on them for knowing what they want, but have some frickin' consideration of others! Prime (though petty) example: I'm waiting in line at Domo for gas, and there's a guy in front of me and two cars behind me. The other side of the pumps also have a line-up. So, poor Domo guy is working his ass off, trying to serve everyone, including the people who walk up to buy cigarettes. This guy is doing a great job. He's quick and polite. The guy in front of me decides to leave his car while the gas is pumping and goes into 7-11. After his gas finished pumping, he still hadn't come back. He finally comes back after 15 minutes, in which no one on my side of the pump can get served, because his car is in the way. While we were waiting for him, two of the cars behind me started honking, and one guy actually got out of his car and started yelling at the Domo worker to "hurry the fuck up"! The Domo guy tried to explain that the person in front had left the vehicle and not come back yet to move his car, and he apologized (like he had anything to be sorry for). This douchebag kept yelling and the Domo guy still remained professional. He suggested that the guy pull his car around to the other side. He offered directions to the next closest gas station. He apologized profusely. Finally, I got out of my car and told the douche to back off, because it's not the worker's fault, he's doing his best, and that he was free to leave if he was in a hurry. He starts calling me an "interfering cunt", at which time I got pissed off and told him to back the fuck off. The nice Domo guy told him he would refuse to serve him, so he might as well leave. The guy got back into his car and took off, almost hitting a person in the parking lot.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that there are some people who deserve to be shot for their lack of consideration and their overabundance of self-serving, egotistical behaviours. Assholes.

27 year old lame-o

2008-10-04T14:09:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I think I should probably seriously start thinking of moving out. I love living at home, though, and I'm debating whether my desire to leave home is based on society's opinions about people in their late 20's still living with their parents, or on actually wanting to be on my own. I like living with my mom (most of the time). We hang out, watch TV together, and there's always someone around if I want to talk. Our work schedules are really different too, so I'm able to have as much freedom as I want. I pay rent, do my own laundry, cook for myself (and usually everyone else too), so really, it's much like living alone, but having people around who you know love you and care about you. Is there really anything wrong with that?

I could see myself leaving if I was moving out with a boyfriend (if I had one), but at the same time I like to be on my own and have my own space. I feel like if I lived with anyone else, I'd feel obligated to spend time with them. Not that I'm anti-social, I just like being able to do things on my own without having someone looking over my shoulder all the time and I get that by living at home.

I guess people could make fun of me for living with my mom at my age, but really, it's what's best for me right now, so I guess any nay-sayers can just screw off!

27 years

2008-09-30T17:44:00.002-05:00

So my birthday is on Thusday, and although my parents divorced in '88, they must still be feeling guilty about it, because I get a whole week of birthday! Whoo! yesterday, my mommy made roast beef with mashed potatos, corn, and even YORKSHIRE PUDDING!!!!!! Yay mommy! Tomorrow, my daddy's making me ribs and home made fries, and his woman is making homemade blueberry pie. This is going to be the fattest week of the year!

So hooray for divorce! The children actually don't suffer! They benefit!

Thanks to me for milking it since 1988!

Life changes

2008-09-23T17:50:00.004-05:00

You know when you're stressed about something, and you can't decide what to do, then you get more stressed about it? That was me yesterday. Today I made a decision and it felt like the old cliche - a weight had been lifted off my chest.

How does that work? Like, you LITERALLY feel like a weight is lifted off of your chest. It's weird. Does stress ball up in your chest? Is it some physiological reaction to stress? But what is really there that feels heavy? Or, if your "heart feels heavy" or you feel "heartbroken", why do you feel it near your actual heart? We don't feel with our hearts, so why do we physiologically experience pain or weight there?

Either way, I feel much better today, and if stress actually does have weight, I think I just lost 10 pounds! Whoo!

Call for mandatory sterilization of...

2008-09-18T17:52:00.007-05:00

Flaws in society:

1) Parents trying to be friends to their kids instead of parents. When your kid is old enough to drink with you, then MAYBE you can be their friend. Until then, you need to be their PARENT. If you say "yes" when they are being unreasonable, you're just teaching them that being a jerk will get them what they want. Eventually, your kid is going to lip off to the wrong person and get the shit kicked out of them and it will be YOUR fault because they've never heard of "crossing the line". When that happens, don't go blaming anyone but yourself, because it's YOUR fault your kid is a jerk!

2) Rude people. These are the people who think they are the only people in the world that matter. They probably had friends instead of parents.

3) Douchebags who think that belittling people because of traits they have no control over is funny. Fuck you, your nose is off centre, doucher.

4) Fake people. What are you hiding? Be fake to me and I'll think you're out to get me. Then I'll be out to get you, and I'm not fake.

5) Celebrity product/political endorsements. You're there to entertain me. If you want to sell things, go work in a mall.

6) People who hurt animals for fun. Enough said.

7) People who continue to procreate for additional welfare. That's a seperate blog in of itself.

8) Hippies that smell like, well, hippies. Cleanliness is not optional.

9) People who are famous because their parents are rich. You can't act, sing, dance, or entertain in any other way. Therefore, if you continue to put yourself in the spotlight, you are open to any and all public mockery or ridicule.

10) People who value things over people. Sure, things are nice, but they can't hold a conversation with you. And if they can, you're probably too far gone to notice that they are just things.

Okay

2008-09-16T18:28:00.003-05:00

I've decided that, since I'm usually right, everyone should have a chance to read my opinions. So... here's my blog...

Stay tuned for my latest random thoughts!